Summer

What a year it has been! It's been nice to relax after unwinding from my first year of teaching. I love summer. I think of the summer months when I was little. They were filled with outside activities, desert adventures (I lived in AZ literally in the middle of a desert), bike riding, and other fun stuff. It's so interesting how kid's favorite play time activities have changed over the years. I hated being inside! I still love summer, but spend it quite differently than I used to. I usually try and get out of the country, but not this year. I plan on relaxing, spending time in the prayer room, taking daily walks with Jenn around OU (started today...hope it continues), and visiting my family. And, of course, thinking about the upcoming year will definately be involved in my summer days also. August is just around the corner!

Mother's Day

Well, tomorrow is Mother's Day! Unfortunately my Mom is out of town, so we are celebrating next week...it will actually be better since one of my sisters will be in town for my cousin's wedding. So I guess it all works out!
But, I did have a bit of an early MOM celebration with my kiddos at school on Friday. All of the Moms came and the kids painted their nails, gave them massages, served them dessert, and gave them the gifts we had been working on all week. It was a very sweet time...the kids loved it and the Moms made some good memories! Yay for mommies!
Here is a picture of my lovely Mommy! She would be very mad I put this up...but she will never know!! :)

Puddin'

So, this might possibly be the most random post I've ever written. You'll understand why after reading it. I'm going to tell you about my first (and only) doll. I wasn't so much into dolls when I was little. I liked playing outside and getting really dirty. But tonight as I eat my delicious steaming hot chocolate pudding my thoughts trail back to the day I got my first (and only, I repeat) doll. It's a good story, so don't stop now! :) If anything, you'll just agree with me about it being very random.

I was born with my feet pointed severely inward. When I got older and began to walk, I wore leg braces because of it. There is a long story behind it, but to make it short, my parents prayed and the Lord did a miracle on my legs and they straightened out. Anyways, my mom's family lives in Colorado and we would spend a few weeks there each summer visiting. One particular summer when we were shopping at a store in Creede, Colorado (my family has a cabin there), my eyes beheld the one and only doll I would fall in love with. She hung in a display case and her name was "Pudd'n." Now you know why I thought of her while eating my delicious steaming hot chocolate pudding that is now sitting beside me cooling off. This was not just any doll... she was very unique in nature! Her legs pointed inward just like mine did! My sisters thougth she was the ugliest doll they had seen, but I thought she was beautiful because she had the same problem I had! Looking back, she was pretty ugly. She had no hair and wasn't smiling. But the only reason I liked her was because her imperfection was the same as mine. I wanted her so badly, but didn't get her that day. A few days later it was my birthday. Yes, you guessed it. My momma had her wrapped up ready to give to me. I was so excited when I opened it!

Now that I look back, I see even more of myself in that doll. I am what Paul calls the "weak and foolish things of the world" that God chooses. My "disabilities" are so obvious at times! Yet, God loves me despite them all! I love how He loves us!!!

Peace with God

I long to be near to God. I desire His touch on my heart. The reality of an unseen and uncreated God is more than what our eyes gaze upon. He is moving all around us but remains untouchable. He is seen in the mountains, the storms, the ocean. Yet, none can see His face. "Where are you, Lord," is a question my heart often asks, yet He is everywhere...everywhere at once. Sometimes it feels like He is close and other times He feels far. Yet, He misses nothing and knows everything. He sees every single movement of our hearts. He knows our thoughts, our yesterdays, and our tomorrows. He knows our passions that are hidden and the ones that are known. He knows our wants, our wishes, and our regrets. He sees every chamber of our heart...darkened or lit. So what is God like? I certaintly do not know but a very small glimpse of the beginning of the beginning of His character and heart towards us. Humility is the response of a heart that has touched Him.

God is seen among the noise. God is seen in the market places and among the crowds of people. He is also seen in quietness. God is seen in the monk who abides in solitude. God is seen in the unborn child. God is seen in nature. He is seen in the smile of a child living in the slums. He is seen in poverty and among the despised of the earth. What is of true importance to Him would shock us and bring us to our knees. Who will touch the ones that are important to His heart? May we get so close that we begin to hear His heart beat and feel the rhythm and dance of His heart.

We can do nothing, be nothing, accomplish nothing without Him. We are desperate individuals who, without the touch of God, would destroy ourselves with the evil that we are capable of walking in. We are naive of our own humanity and often fail to realize His incredible patience and love that hover over our lives. We, or should I say I, am often choked by my own christian culture that plugs the flow of God's touch through me. I fall short of walking in love and am aware of once again my brokeness and ability to walk in the divine. My motives are impure and I am full of selfishness. Yet, I hear Him whispering tenderly again the simple words of "You are ok." And I sense again the peace that there is between Him and I. To know there is peace with God is a gift. It doesn't make much sense and that's the reason I so often struggle to stand in it. One who is so perfect wants to be close to me, to be my friend, and to help me. I arise only to fall again, and then only to hear the familiar words, "You are ok." Then I feel it again. Peace between Him and I. Pure and perfect peace that could only come from a pure and perfect love. Let Him whisper into your ear as well. We are all of the same nature and we all desperately need the quiet, gentle whisper to calm our overstressed and anxious hearts. He wants us to rest in Him. To feel the waterfall of His love and peace strengthen our weary hearts. If you have fallen again like I often do, arise and receive His love. Repentance is a gift that brings humility and creates an openess in our hearts where it was once closed. Repentance is our friend and should be used as a tool to create tenderness on the inside, a necessary ingrediant to walking in the Spirit.

Jesus Stands Among the Trash

A few years ago I took a trip to Ecuador where I helped to minister to people who lived in the city dump. My heart was awakened on this trip because I encountered one place that I believe Jesus, if He lived on the earth, would walk today. There is no way that a human would choose, or want, to hang out at this place without motives of wanting to help these people. Not only did it affect our team emotionally, but it was the most difficult place that I had ever been in physically. I have never smelt such a horrific stinch before. And these people lived in the middle of it day after day after day. As I roamed through the dump, I saw many children. Some were playing with toys they could find among the trash. Others were resting in their cardboard box homes. They smiled with beauty as one of my team members handed over his hat and hackey sack to give them. I noticed a mother cleaning off her infants diaper only to put it back on her child again. I was overwhelmed at my own naivity as far as the human race and the poverty I was encountering.

I love Jesus. Do you know one reason I love Him? Because just like the dump, there is no one else who would choose or have the desire to stand and walk among my trash. Not only does He WANT to walk among it, He wants to hold it in His hand, clean it up, and make it into something beautiful. Humanity's normal reaction to their personal trash is to hide it. Shame demands that we put a lid on it so the stinch doesn't seep out causing others to see it and reject us. But it's still there. And honestly, others really don't want to see it anyways. If they do, rejection is probably on the horizon. We are only human and most of us really don't want to have anything to do with others who have real issues. The problem is, we all have trash that wreaks. Some of us are just better at hiding it. Do you know the kind of person that Jesus wants to hold near to Him? The person who wreaks with trash, the one who is severely messed up, and the one who needs a good cleaning. He doesn't want to look at our issues from a distance. He wants to WALK AMONG IT. He doesn't mind the smell or the filth. He wants you to crawl up close to Him with your filth and allow Him to love you. We are ashamed of it and are scared He will reject us if He sees. But if only we would open our hearts to the healer, we would find our souls at ease. We are used to rejection, but He is so different than others. He loves differently. Some might take years of allowing the healer to stand among their trash before they get cleaned up. He is not in a hurry. Not only is it His desire to clean you, but He just wants to rest with you through the process smiling the whole time. He just wants you to allow Him to stand in it no matter how long it takes. He isn't going to take a bull dozer and destroy your dump. He is going to pick up one trash at a time, hold it in His hand, speak His words of life over it and patiently wait until you begin to believe it about yourself. Finally, one day your mind will be renewed and you will begin to see yourself as He sees you...not as one who lives in a filthy dump, but one that is the very treasure and reward of God Himself. But even if you do not ever encounter such a feeling on earth...even if you can't ever seem to climb over your trash or get out of the dump...even if you can't ever see beyond the years of pain and heartache, Jesus still feels the same about you. He doesn't demand perfection, He simply wants to be a part of your trash and begin the long process of preparing you to be His eternal friend and partner.

My Weekend

Why do I wait until 9:30 on Sunday night to do laundry for the next week? I'm sitting myself down and telling myself it's time to get more responsible. Ok, so I've had a busy weekend. No excuses! I'm ready to go to bed (but still have time to blog)! :) I went to my parent's house yesterday. I walked in to their house and smelt a familiar smell of my mom's famous casserole. After eating, we spent the afternoon in Ada. Unfortunately our shopping consisted of getting me a new wiper for my window since it flung off my car crazily on the drive there. Being the "sometimes blonde" person that I am, I decided to still turn the wiper on after it had flung off and watch it scratch my window. I shook my head at myself as I whispered under my breath, "that was so dumb" and quickly turned it off. I mean seriously... what was I thinking?! Anyways, back to my time with my parents. After the fun time we had buying my window wiper, we went and had our traditional braums icecream. I, of course, had a peanut butter hot fudge sundae while my parents had a low fat something. I felt a little bad as I looked at my choice compared to their low calorie/fat choice. This lasted up until the time that I took a bite of mine. The guilt quickly fled away as I endulged myself in the delicious and beautiful peanut butter hot fudge sundae. There's really nothing like it. I have a problem. It is called chocolate. Anyways...gotta go finish laundry!

God is Looking

Tonight I hear Him knocking on my heart. I feel Him looking at me. God...looking at me...it is amazing. I can't see Him. I sometimes feel Him. But He is IN me. Yet, He is ever desiring our attention. But at the same time He does it quietly. He never barges in or makes us listen and look. Why doesn't He show Himself? He is so humble in nature, so patient, so hidden, yet at times so obvious to the heart that is looking. He watches and waits. He creates obstacles to get our attention. He is jealous of our time, our hearts, our devotion. It is a mystery beyond my understanding.

I am on a journey to learn the power of brokeness. There is such strength in knowing how weak we really are. I am not there yet. Actually, I often think of myself higher than what I am, only to find that I am believing a lie told by my own heart. I often believe myself only to be disappointed in the fact that perfection can't be obtained. I often demand it of others, which tells me much about myself and how I lack in my own ability to have the character that God has in dealing with imperfect people. It only shows me how imperfect I really am and how far I really need to go. But the fact that I'm trying to obtain perfection shows me also that I am not fully mature in God's love. Not that we should not try to please God in being "better." What I'm saying is that there is a beauty in standing in God's light and countenance in full weakness and understanding of our own humanity that we are imperfect. I want to hold God's hand as one who is aware of my lack, but with no condemnation. For the heart that is condemning of itself is not perfect in love either. So how are we to walk with God? For the heart that is arrogantly self-rightous is on the other extreme than the one who is condemning of themselves, but both are imperfect in love. To hold God's hand and walk with Him as one who doesn't try to be anything else than what I am, to see myself with the right perspective (not standing in condemnation or self-righteousness but as the object of His affection), and to give Him the attention He deserves is a worthwhile goal. Compassion only comes from a heart that has received compassion. Love only comes from a heart that has received love. Mercy only comes from a heart that receives mercy. What is it that each of us need to receive from God in our lives to cause us to love more perfectly? I will take all the above and much much more. For the heart that is aware of it's lack and need is the heart that will cry out for more of God's touch to be aware in their life. I didn't always need God. After all of these years, I think I am finally beginning to though. And I am finding that I love better because God is bringing me to a lower place. A place where I can look in someone's eyes and feel their pain. A place where compassion is felt and tears are cried for another. A place where I am sincere with the people around me and my words actually come from my heart instead of the fakiness and flakiness of shallow relationships. To know I am no different than the drug addict, the abused child, or the person who has made a mess of their lives from their mistakes. We are all living proof that God does pay attention to people who don't measure up. He is looking at us.