God is Looking

Tonight I hear Him knocking on my heart. I feel Him looking at me. God...looking at me...it is amazing. I can't see Him. I sometimes feel Him. But He is IN me. Yet, He is ever desiring our attention. But at the same time He does it quietly. He never barges in or makes us listen and look. Why doesn't He show Himself? He is so humble in nature, so patient, so hidden, yet at times so obvious to the heart that is looking. He watches and waits. He creates obstacles to get our attention. He is jealous of our time, our hearts, our devotion. It is a mystery beyond my understanding.

I am on a journey to learn the power of brokeness. There is such strength in knowing how weak we really are. I am not there yet. Actually, I often think of myself higher than what I am, only to find that I am believing a lie told by my own heart. I often believe myself only to be disappointed in the fact that perfection can't be obtained. I often demand it of others, which tells me much about myself and how I lack in my own ability to have the character that God has in dealing with imperfect people. It only shows me how imperfect I really am and how far I really need to go. But the fact that I'm trying to obtain perfection shows me also that I am not fully mature in God's love. Not that we should not try to please God in being "better." What I'm saying is that there is a beauty in standing in God's light and countenance in full weakness and understanding of our own humanity that we are imperfect. I want to hold God's hand as one who is aware of my lack, but with no condemnation. For the heart that is condemning of itself is not perfect in love either. So how are we to walk with God? For the heart that is arrogantly self-rightous is on the other extreme than the one who is condemning of themselves, but both are imperfect in love. To hold God's hand and walk with Him as one who doesn't try to be anything else than what I am, to see myself with the right perspective (not standing in condemnation or self-righteousness but as the object of His affection), and to give Him the attention He deserves is a worthwhile goal. Compassion only comes from a heart that has received compassion. Love only comes from a heart that has received love. Mercy only comes from a heart that receives mercy. What is it that each of us need to receive from God in our lives to cause us to love more perfectly? I will take all the above and much much more. For the heart that is aware of it's lack and need is the heart that will cry out for more of God's touch to be aware in their life. I didn't always need God. After all of these years, I think I am finally beginning to though. And I am finding that I love better because God is bringing me to a lower place. A place where I can look in someone's eyes and feel their pain. A place where compassion is felt and tears are cried for another. A place where I am sincere with the people around me and my words actually come from my heart instead of the fakiness and flakiness of shallow relationships. To know I am no different than the drug addict, the abused child, or the person who has made a mess of their lives from their mistakes. We are all living proof that God does pay attention to people who don't measure up. He is looking at us.